While I don’t advise everyone to track their daily word count, for me it has been enlightening. With the exception of the times when I take a deliberate break from writing, such as what I’m doing the rest of this month to catch up on to do list things, it is a pretty easy way to track my mental health. If I’m feeling good, if I’m feeling safe, then I’m writing all the words. When my nervous system is activated and I don’t feel safe, writing words is like trying to pull up a tree with your bare hands. Difficult, and you can only get the tiniest ones.
It was through this tracking that I had an epiphany. I only write well, and write with ease, when I feel safe.
There are many dimensions to feeling safe. For me, it means my cPTSD is not triggered, my anxiety is minimal, and I feel like I can put my words out into the world without encountering hostility. I think it’s the later one that really hit home. The fear of our work not being accepted is probably just about universal for authors. And whether that’s on the micro level because of what we’re writing, or the macro level because of the world in which we live, well I think there’s a reason why one of the biggest refrains on the internet is that the world needs your creativity right now. Because it’s scary to put our words out into the world, especially if we write things that go against the regime.
What does safety look like?
It means feeling safe from physical and mental/emotional violence. Let me be clear, if you are in a situation where someone close to you is causing harm seek help and support. You deserve better. You deserve more. If you are being verbally or emotionally abused in the workplace by a coworker or boss, this is not okay and you deserve better. If you need help, please reach out. You do not have to suffer in silence or alone, and anyone who tells you to “get over it” is not looking out for you.
There is also the threat of larger, systemic or politically driven violence. There we may not be able to mitigate it, but hopefully can you can crate a safe haven for yourself. Again, you do not have to suffer alone, and there are those who will listen and who will help.
Safety means feeling like you can put your words out into the world if you so choose. Again, there are many political and social facets to this, and we can’t control them all, and if you choose to write things which align with certain ideologies that promote hate or violence, then you will not be protected from the consequences. But most people I know are writing stories that speak to the wide range of human emotions and experiences and I think it’s important to remember that they’re your stories and they deserve to be heard.
Safety is complicated, y’all.
Most of all, for me, my writing happens when I feel grounded, centered, and aligned with my purpose. And if that’s what I’m feeling then all those other pieces have fallen into place at least for now, at least for this moment, at least for as long as I’m in front of my keyboard and screen.
In this moment I am safe. And in this moment, I write. And these days I’m taking each moment as they come.